The worst thing about being abused/molested

The worst thing about being abused and/or molested, is being labeled as an "invalid" by everyone around you. Being expected to forever be a traumatized, broken little victim, who, no matter what, will never be able to move past. I am sure there are, sadly, victims who fit this description. I can't speak for others, and I can't judge anyone. I can only account for myself and my experiences.

So, yes, I had the "childhood" worthy of a serial killer. I had also been molested several times (by strangers). I have never had any kind of support system, to help me through any of this. I know there are people who, being in my shoes, would never be able to get through the pain and would shut themselves out. Some would turn to things like drugs, alcohol, self-mutilation, crime, violence, and all kinds of depraved sexual activities. Some actually do turn into serial killers, or sex offenders, or both. Some, I'm sure, would react in entirely different ways not described above.

Me, I turned out to be probably the most boring person you'd never meet. Somehow, I have managed to remain lucid, focused through all this. Somehow, I have never lost my sense of self. And somehow, my moral values have evolved completely independently of everything happening to me and around me. And I can only say "somehow", because, there was really no logical reason for this to happen.

People expect me to be weak. They expect me to be afraid of everyone and everything. Take my doctor, for example. For some reason, my behavior had "flagged" me for him. Although when I repeatedly ask him to elaborate on exactly what behavioral traits had "flagged" me, so I could explain their real nature (as I said in a previous post, I suspect it's the way I sit, or failure to make eye contact, etc), he won't tell me.

So even with my protests, and without giving me a chance to explain myself, and without knowing anything about me, he goes on to devise theories upon theories about how my past experiences have left me with a multitude of mental disorders, which cause me to harm myself repeatedly. He insults me when I disagree, and laughs at me when I try to explain myself. He literally tells me, that I don't know my own self, what I'm thinking and what I'm doing and how I am handling situations he has never experienced first hand.

The truth is, I have none of the supposed mental disorders he insists I do. And I definitely do not hurt myself. I don't do any of the things that he is so adamantly stuck on to the verge of obsession. I do get hurt at work sometimes. But not by my own hand! And the list of his ludicrous theories go on, and on, and on.

Then there's my friend. Now, I'm at this age, when everyone pesters you about getting married. Me? I have never even dated. I have never been interested. My friend claims that it's because I am "scared of sex", and I need professional help to be able to get over having been molested. Excuse me? Do you even bother to ask what I really feel, and why?

No, I am definitely not scared of sex. I have never had any, either. What I am, is repulsed. But not by sex, and not because of being molested. I am repulsed by how cheap sex has become in modern society. How a "date", even a first one, is usually expected to include sex. With someone you barely know. The concept of "casual sex" is something I find beyond disgusting.

I know many people in my situation, having never been loved, turn to sex as a substitute for love. Other than being repulsed by this notion, I just find it ridiculous that one would try to fill this hole... with emptiness. Pointlessness. Meaninglessness. I mean, how is that any better?

And of course, "normal" people with non-traumatizing past just have casual sex because it's glorified and pushed upon by society, the media, and what have you. And I say, let everyone else jump off the cliff. I don't find it tempting at all.

I am not afraid of sex. I am just repulsed by the utter loss of its values. It has become a social recreational thing rather than the intimate connection it is meant to express. And I am not afraid of men. I have just never met one I would be interested in. Actually, I have never even looked, because it's not on my priority list. And now... now I'm not even going to bother. I'm going to freakin' die. What's the point.

As I said, I have no explanation for the values I have adopted for myself. It's just what makes the most sense to me. I have never even had "the talk". And somehow, my pain has never pushed me into any sort of destructive behavior. I never smoked. I never drank alcohol. I never touched drugs. I have never had an eating disorder. I have never had a problem with who I am, only with what happens to me.

Some people who have fallen into destructiveness, who attempt to self-medicate their emotional pain, have asked me how, in the face of everything, have I managed to stay so strong. How I resist the temptation to take the easy way out and fall into destructive habits.

My answer is simple. I am not strong. I just don't see temptation in any of this. There is no easy way out.

I am not a victim. Don't make me one.

-void

Pride

I wish people would stop putting words in my mouth. I wish they would listen to what I have to say, before they judge me and throw baseless accusations.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time, and every time I talk to my friend and this comes up, and now even more since I have started this blog and am openly asking for help from strangers. And this really bothers me. I apologize in advance. This post is in no way an attempt to manipulate anyone into helping me. This is just something that has been bugging me for a long time, and I just have to get it off my chest.

My only friend, he's a devout Christian. He runs the food bank, where I get my food. He is about 50 years old. He's a great person, in my opinion. He helps a lot of people. But, I think his faith gets in the way of seeing who other people really are.

And he claims, that people who do "good deeds", who help others - only do so for their own benefit. For some sort of personal gain, or to feel better about themselves, that they are doing something good. Validation. Self worth. All these selfish motives. They are helping others because of pride.

Of course, his own "good deeds" are another thing entirely, because he apparently only does what God has put on his heart. So, basically, as he explains, unless God has put it on one's heart to help others, their "good deeds" are a selfish deadly sin.

Lest they boast?...

I am sorry. I can't say he's absolutely wrong, because I have met many people who fit this description. Who help others for their own gain. But, I hate to generalize. I don't think it's fair. I can't speak for others. I don't know what's really going on in someone's mind, when they help another. But, I can speak for myself. He never listens, of course, and instead puts words in my mouth, about what I really think, and why I really do whatever it is I do for other people.

I am a very shy, non-confrontational person, and completely ignorable. I know that everything I say will be dismissed and replaced with things that make up a more plausible explanation for him. Arguing my point is a waste of time. He wouldn't hear me. So, since I went and got me a shiny new blog, I'm just going to post it here. Maybe someone will listen to what I have to say, for a change.

Why do I help other people... I'm not a saint. And I'm definitely not perfect. In fact, I'm as far from perfect as it gets. I also haven't been sent by God to do anything. I don't want anything in return, not even a "thank you". I don't feel better about myself when I help another. The opposite, actually. I have been raised to believe I am worthless, and nothing I ever do is good enough. Helping someone makes me feel useless. Makes me wish there were more I could have done. It does not in the least make me feel proud in any way, definitely not a reason to boast.

So why? The only answer I have for this question is, "because I can". This is my mentality. I feel that, if someone is in need, and there is something I can do to help, then it is my duty to do so. Even if they're not "in need". This is the way my mind works. With every new connection I make, or new opportunity I meet, or new skill I acquire, the first thought in my mind is always, "how can I use this to help someone else?" And when I know someone is in need of help, the only thing on my mind is trying to find ways to help them. I can't help it. This is how I'm wired.

I just wish my friend would listen when I try to explain this to him. I'm a person who's really hard to peg. Maybe even impossible. Some people make a lot of assumptions, and think they have all the answers inside their "comfort zone", what they're familiar with. Pretending that everyone conforms to some sort of "textbook" they can't see beyond. And when someone like me comes along, who challenges their preconceptions, instead of asking the questions and receiving the answers, they twist the facts to fit their own concepts of what is and what isn't.

I'm just so fed up with people who believe they know me better than I know myself, and then have the nerve to tell me I have no idea what's going on in my own psyche. Back to this current example - I help others because I can, and it does not make me feel proud of myself.

Asking for help, though, is very difficult for me. But again, this does not come from pride. Rather, humility. It is hard for me to ask for, or receive help, because I don't believe I'm worthy of it. I have no illusions. I know no one owes me anything. Starting this blog, asking people for their help, as if I'm entitled for anything - is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

Anyway, I guess this is it. I had to get this off my chest. I just wish that the next time someone wants to know something about me, why I do what I do or think what I think - they would just ask me, and listen to me when I explain them.

-void

My doctor is such a douche

My doctor is such a douche. I don't think he knows what he's doing. I don't even think he's a real doctor. He's a "Physician Assistant," whatever that means.

As someone with no insurance and no money, when I'm not being hauled to the hospital in an ambulance, I seek my medical care at the free clinic. Which means, I don't really get to choose a doctor. I'm assigned one.

I was transferred to my current doctor after the doctor I was previously assigned to got fed up with me apparently being "too dramatic". Yes, my visits to the clinic often end up with me bursting into tears. How would you react, if every visit only bears more and more bad news?

You get what you pay for, I guess.

Hence the patient-pinball. It doesn't matter, really. They can dump me on whichever med-student they want. They know there's nothing they can do for me anymore, and if I don't have this surgery, I'm screwed.

But this new doctor - gosh, where do I begin! The guy looks at my labs, and says things like (and I'm not kidding), "this looks normal... wait, there's a reference range on here! Oh, what the heck, I don't know." Then, he tosses the papers aside in annoyance. Wow. Real professional.

I think he enjoys insulting me. He may, or may not, know a thing or two about medicine, but he knows nothing about me or my personal life outside the clinic. However, that doesn't stop him from making up my life story and my personality to his liking. The things he comes up with are simply ridiculous. Of course, he will not listen to me when I try to explain him what's really going on, and how gravely wrong he is. He would rather twist the fact to fit his ridiculous theories than listen to someone who actually knows the truth from first-hand experience.

For example, he knows I had been molested several times in the past. It's not a secret. He asked. I answered. Apparently, my behavior "flagged" me or something. The guy is delusional. If he had just let me explain - I am not a victim. I am shy, yes. Not scared, not traumatized, not stressed. I sit with my hands in my lap and my muscles tightened, because I'm cold. And yes, I have a hard time looking in his eyes. Why wouldn't I? He makes up crazy stories about me. He laughs in my face when I protest and try to explain the truth, and tells me how wrong and delusional I am. He thinks he knows me better than I know myself, he thinks he has me pegged, and he thinks he has the right to insult me when I don't comply with his idiocy.

So no, I don't usually look in his eyes. I'm not scared, and I'm not traumatized. I'm simply repulsed.

And I don't even think he's a real doctor.

-void

Introduction

This is my first post. Please bear with me as I've never had a blog before. I don't really know where to begin. I'm not good with words, and I don't particularly like talking about myself.

On here I go by "blank void", but I have a name, and a face. "Blank void" was created when I wanted to sign up for facebook, without giving my identity. I wished I could just leave the first and last name fields blank and void. But facebook wouldn't let me, and thus "blank void" was created.

Although, as I said, I do have a name, and a face. But I'm afraid people who know me in real life would find me here. My parents, my so-called friends, etc, they may know me in real life, but they have no idea what's really going on. And I have no intentions of letting them find out. They're all a destructive force in my life and telling them will only make matters worse.

Anyway. There really isn't a whole lot about me to tell. I'm a girl. I'm in my 20's. And I'm dying a slow painful death. It's my fault. I knew I should have sought medical treatment a long time ago. But I was scared, and I couldn't trust myself. That's a byproduct of growing up with parents like mine.

Yes, I hate to say this... but I grew up in a dysfunctional family. It's not really a secret, nor is it embarrassing... I'd just hate to be some kind of a cliche sob-story. Yes, so I had a crappy existence. Still do. Yadda yadda yadda. Now that this is out of the way. It really isn't the point, it's just a piece of information that's imperative for the understanding of my posts and where I'm coming from. The point is, I've been trying to do something about it. To change my circumstances, my situation. With all I've got. But I've failed time and time again, and my time is running out. I'm not a victim. I don't want anyone's pity. All I seek is help.

Anyway, my parents have taught me everything I do, or think, or feel, or say, everything I am, is wrong. They've taught me that I was worthless and less than human. It's been a while since I left my parents. But they have hurt me so much, that I've learned not to trust anyone. And sadly enough, so far my distrust in others has only been justified. But this is a long, boring story, and the only moral is that I should have trusted myself on this one before it was too late.

And so I finally went to seek medical help, and was offered the less aggressive, more budget-friendly options. I knew I should have taken aggressive measures from the get-go, but alas, people like me, who have no medical insurance, have no say when it comes to the course of their treatment. So I ended up spending my life savings on medications and procedures that would probably have worked for someone who isn't as far gone as I am. And was left with no money, no results, no progress, no hope, and no time.

There's a medical procedure that can save me. But, I'm about $10,000 short of it, and I have a very limited window of opportunity. So I decided to create this blog and asks strangers for their help. Aptly named "here goes nothing", because I know better than to expect it to actually work. A desperate last resort. I figure, if it doesn't help, at least it won't hurt...

I set up a paypal account, in the unlikely event people would actually donate. I don't expect anything. I know nobody owes me anything, and strangers on the internet have no reason to care. It's okay. But in any case, donations would be truly appreciated. The email is blankvoid0@gmail.com

If this works, I will attempt to pay it all back... even if it takes me the rest of my life. How ironic. A "rest of my life" would be a nice thing to have.

I know what you may think. "Get a job"... I have a job. But I work for room and board. Yearly income: $0. Yes, I know they're exploiting me. Because they know they can treat me as badly as they want. I'm a slave. I have nowhere to go. I can't get disability because I won't be allowed to work, and if I can't work, I'll be in the street. I have no family or friends to take me in. Nothing to fall back on. I was offered another job, but couldn't start because of my condition. So I'm pretty much stuck with this one if I want to have a roof over my head.

My ambulance trips have left me in debt and now I'm ineligible for a loan. I have only one friend. He runs the food bank. He'd get the loan for me, if his credit were any better. But his credit isn't better, so he can't. I have no one else.

My parents have the money. But they'd rather watch me die a slow painful death. So, I didn't even want to ask them for help, to tell them what's going on. But I'm out of options. So I did go and ask them. As expected, they turned me down. That's how bad it is.

I'd go pose for nude photos or donate eggs to earn the money I need for this procedure. I've long since lost any shred of dignity or pride. But my eggs are no good, and I'm nothing to look at. I've sacrificed everything already. And I wouldn't mind the sacrifice, if it weren't for the fact that I have basically sacrificed everything... for nothing. I've exhausted all my resources. I'm not looking for "useful advice", such as, "have you tried this," or "have you tried that," or "maybe you should try ..." I know I have nothing to show for it, but yes, I have tried everything within my means. Nothing worked. So now I have to look outside my means. This is why I need your help.

My friend said that for some people, $10,000 isn't a lot of money. The problem is, I just don't know anyone. Actually, all the people I "know" and am in contact with are on the internet. I'm turning to strangers... because no one else would help.

So here I am, in way over my head, begging for handouts from strangers on the internet. Scared to show my face or my name, so that my parents or my friends wouldn't find out. So that my doctors wouldn't find out. Who knows what they'd do if they knew the rock-bottom I've hit. I can't take the risk that they'd drop me from their care.

I will try to start a facebook group for this. As I said I seriously doubt it would work at all, but even if, it's a lot of money I'm trying to raise here. I wouldn't want anyone to donate more than they can afford to part with. But if I could get 10,000 people who are willing to give up their daily candy bar and help me instead, I'd be ever so grateful...

And yes, I know that on top of being a total stranger you have no reason to care about, no one has a reason to trust me. I may very well be trying to scam people. Trying to make a quick buck. Trying to buy drugs, or whatever. There's no reason to believe anything I've said here is true, and I wouldn't ask you to. I can't prove anything without exposing my identity. I'm not some kind of official charity organization and can't give you a receipt, or count for taxes. I'm no one. And there's nothing I can say or do that would dispute that, it would be futile to try to convince anyone, so I won't bother. I can't tell anyone whether or not to take a leap of faith. I just really, really don't wanna die. As I said... "Here goes nothing".

Again, in the unlikely event anyone would actually like to donate, the paypal is blankvoid0@gmail.com

Either way, thank you for visiting my blog. I guess this is it for the "introduction". I'm really not good at introducing myself. Anything else about my life story you'd like to know, please ask away, I'll do my best to answer as long as I'm not afraid it would compromise my identity.

More random blurbs and ramblings shall follow in future posts. =)

-void