I wish people would stop putting words in my mouth. I wish they would listen to what I have to say, before they judge me and throw baseless accusations.
I have been thinking about this for a very long time, and every time I talk to my friend and this comes up, and now even more since I have started this blog and am openly asking for help from strangers. And this really bothers me. I apologize in advance. This post is in no way an attempt to manipulate anyone into helping me. This is just something that has been bugging me for a long time, and I just have to get it off my chest.
My only friend, he's a devout Christian. He runs the food bank, where I get my food. He is about 50 years old. He's a great person, in my opinion. He helps a lot of people. But, I think his faith gets in the way of seeing who other people really are.
And he claims, that people who do "good deeds", who help others - only do so for their own benefit. For some sort of personal gain, or to feel better about themselves, that they are doing something good. Validation. Self worth. All these selfish motives. They are helping others because of pride.
Of course, his own "good deeds" are another thing entirely, because he apparently only does what God has put on his heart. So, basically, as he explains, unless God has put it on one's heart to help others, their "good deeds" are a selfish deadly sin.
Lest they boast?...
I am sorry. I can't say he's absolutely wrong, because I have met many people who fit this description. Who help others for their own gain. But, I hate to generalize. I don't think it's fair. I can't speak for others. I don't know what's really going on in someone's mind, when they help another. But, I can speak for myself. He never listens, of course, and instead puts words in my mouth, about what I really think, and why I really do whatever it is I do for other people.
I am a very shy, non-confrontational person, and completely ignorable. I know that everything I say will be dismissed and replaced with things that make up a more plausible explanation for him. Arguing my point is a waste of time. He wouldn't hear me. So, since I went and got me a shiny new blog, I'm just going to post it here. Maybe someone will listen to what I have to say, for a change.
Why do I help other people... I'm not a saint. And I'm definitely not perfect. In fact, I'm as far from perfect as it gets. I also haven't been sent by God to do anything. I don't want anything in return, not even a "thank you". I don't feel better about myself when I help another. The opposite, actually. I have been raised to believe I am worthless, and nothing I ever do is good enough. Helping someone makes me feel useless. Makes me wish there were more I could have done. It does not in the least make me feel proud in any way, definitely not a reason to boast.
So why? The only answer I have for this question is, "because I can". This is my mentality. I feel that, if someone is in need, and there is something I can do to help, then it is my duty to do so. Even if they're not "in need". This is the way my mind works. With every new connection I make, or new opportunity I meet, or new skill I acquire, the first thought in my mind is always, "how can I use this to help someone else?" And when I know someone is in need of help, the only thing on my mind is trying to find ways to help them. I can't help it. This is how I'm wired.
I just wish my friend would listen when I try to explain this to him. I'm a person who's really hard to peg. Maybe even impossible. Some people make a lot of assumptions, and think they have all the answers inside their "comfort zone", what they're familiar with. Pretending that everyone conforms to some sort of "textbook" they can't see beyond. And when someone like me comes along, who challenges their preconceptions, instead of asking the questions and receiving the answers, they twist the facts to fit their own concepts of what is and what isn't.
I'm just so fed up with people who believe they know me better than I know myself, and then have the nerve to tell me I have no idea what's going on in my own psyche. Back to this current example - I help others because I can, and it does not make me feel proud of myself.
Asking for help, though, is very difficult for me. But again, this does not come from pride. Rather, humility. It is hard for me to ask for, or receive help, because I don't believe I'm worthy of it. I have no illusions. I know no one owes me anything. Starting this blog, asking people for their help, as if I'm entitled for anything - is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
Anyway, I guess this is it. I had to get this off my chest. I just wish that the next time someone wants to know something about me, why I do what I do or think what I think - they would just ask me, and listen to me when I explain them.
-void
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You are right, and he is right. There are people who help others to boost their self image, and there are those like yourself who do so simply because they want to. As you mentioned before, labeling is terrible and no one fits into a particular category. We are all mutli-faceted, and it is rather arrogant to think we have someone pegged because our perception of them has developed. A perception is simply that, a viewpoint - and it can be flawed. Like your friend's - his viewpoint of you is flawed.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do have to ask, how can you expect someone to ask your point of view and opinion if - as you say - you are a shy and unassuming as you claim? Would that not indicate that you are somewhat of a personality that avoids conflict? Confrontation? Not because of your past, but simply because it seems to be a waste of energy?
Just curious.
Also, I agree that his Christian beliefs are skewing his perception. But please, know that not all Christians see 'selfish giving' as a sin. I find the idea ludicrous. I am a Christian in that I follow Christ, but I do not hold to the dogma and rituals that are practiced. I help because I can, it is how I express my faith in following who I believe to be a loving God. However, I appear to be a minority - as everyone has their view of the Creator and how he should be followed.
I know not all Christian have the same point of view as my friend. For me to assume that they do, would be like him assuming that everyone who helps others without being sent by God is being selfish and proud.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I am very shy and non-confrontational. But I am also very opinionated. I mostly keep my opinions to myself, but I do say something when people make the wrong assumptions about me and need to be put in their place. They never listen, though, because they have already made up their minds before even knowing me.