The worst thing about being abused/molested

The worst thing about being abused and/or molested, is being labeled as an "invalid" by everyone around you. Being expected to forever be a traumatized, broken little victim, who, no matter what, will never be able to move past. I am sure there are, sadly, victims who fit this description. I can't speak for others, and I can't judge anyone. I can only account for myself and my experiences.

So, yes, I had the "childhood" worthy of a serial killer. I had also been molested several times (by strangers). I have never had any kind of support system, to help me through any of this. I know there are people who, being in my shoes, would never be able to get through the pain and would shut themselves out. Some would turn to things like drugs, alcohol, self-mutilation, crime, violence, and all kinds of depraved sexual activities. Some actually do turn into serial killers, or sex offenders, or both. Some, I'm sure, would react in entirely different ways not described above.

Me, I turned out to be probably the most boring person you'd never meet. Somehow, I have managed to remain lucid, focused through all this. Somehow, I have never lost my sense of self. And somehow, my moral values have evolved completely independently of everything happening to me and around me. And I can only say "somehow", because, there was really no logical reason for this to happen.

People expect me to be weak. They expect me to be afraid of everyone and everything. Take my doctor, for example. For some reason, my behavior had "flagged" me for him. Although when I repeatedly ask him to elaborate on exactly what behavioral traits had "flagged" me, so I could explain their real nature (as I said in a previous post, I suspect it's the way I sit, or failure to make eye contact, etc), he won't tell me.

So even with my protests, and without giving me a chance to explain myself, and without knowing anything about me, he goes on to devise theories upon theories about how my past experiences have left me with a multitude of mental disorders, which cause me to harm myself repeatedly. He insults me when I disagree, and laughs at me when I try to explain myself. He literally tells me, that I don't know my own self, what I'm thinking and what I'm doing and how I am handling situations he has never experienced first hand.

The truth is, I have none of the supposed mental disorders he insists I do. And I definitely do not hurt myself. I don't do any of the things that he is so adamantly stuck on to the verge of obsession. I do get hurt at work sometimes. But not by my own hand! And the list of his ludicrous theories go on, and on, and on.

Then there's my friend. Now, I'm at this age, when everyone pesters you about getting married. Me? I have never even dated. I have never been interested. My friend claims that it's because I am "scared of sex", and I need professional help to be able to get over having been molested. Excuse me? Do you even bother to ask what I really feel, and why?

No, I am definitely not scared of sex. I have never had any, either. What I am, is repulsed. But not by sex, and not because of being molested. I am repulsed by how cheap sex has become in modern society. How a "date", even a first one, is usually expected to include sex. With someone you barely know. The concept of "casual sex" is something I find beyond disgusting.

I know many people in my situation, having never been loved, turn to sex as a substitute for love. Other than being repulsed by this notion, I just find it ridiculous that one would try to fill this hole... with emptiness. Pointlessness. Meaninglessness. I mean, how is that any better?

And of course, "normal" people with non-traumatizing past just have casual sex because it's glorified and pushed upon by society, the media, and what have you. And I say, let everyone else jump off the cliff. I don't find it tempting at all.

I am not afraid of sex. I am just repulsed by the utter loss of its values. It has become a social recreational thing rather than the intimate connection it is meant to express. And I am not afraid of men. I have just never met one I would be interested in. Actually, I have never even looked, because it's not on my priority list. And now... now I'm not even going to bother. I'm going to freakin' die. What's the point.

As I said, I have no explanation for the values I have adopted for myself. It's just what makes the most sense to me. I have never even had "the talk". And somehow, my pain has never pushed me into any sort of destructive behavior. I never smoked. I never drank alcohol. I never touched drugs. I have never had an eating disorder. I have never had a problem with who I am, only with what happens to me.

Some people who have fallen into destructiveness, who attempt to self-medicate their emotional pain, have asked me how, in the face of everything, have I managed to stay so strong. How I resist the temptation to take the easy way out and fall into destructive habits.

My answer is simple. I am not strong. I just don't see temptation in any of this. There is no easy way out.

I am not a victim. Don't make me one.

-void