God loves you

I find it odd that, in an attempt to "prove" me I am supposedly not unlovable, people would tell me that "God loves me". That, even though everyone has abandoned me, God would be there no matter what, if only I believed in him.

I used to believe. I had lost my faith many years ago. But whether God exists or not is not the issue here, and I am not going to pretend I have all the answers. I find it odd, because of the very nature of this statement - God loves you, but you don't know it because you don't believe in him. If you believe in God, you won't feel lonely and unlovable anymore.

So, what, am I supposed to make myself "believe" in something that so far, makes no sense to me, just for the sake of feeling something that so far, has never been there? It's kind of like telling someone to make up imaginary friends in order to have someone to play with. I'm all for imagination, don't get me wrong, but it still doesn't change the fact that they are playing by themselves.

Not saying that God is imaginary, only that I have to know something is there in order to believe it exists, and not the other way around. And so far, I don't know God is there. I don't know he isn't, either. Believing God is there just for the sake of not feeling lonely and unlovable feels like a cop-out to me and makes no sense to me at all.

But there is a rather painful realization of how worthless and truly undeserving of love I am, that comes when someone tells me that "God loves me" no matter how everyone else treats me. It's kind of like winning a sucky consolation prize. Not that God or his love is a "sucky" thing to have, but it's kind of like being told:

Us normal people, we have our friends and families who love us, and whom we love. You freakazoid... well, you have God. He won't take a walk in the park with you. He won't help you with your homework. He won't watch silly movies with you and make fun of them. He won't give you a place to crash when you run away from home. But what do you expect? Just be grateful and don't push it, because that's all a freak like you will ever get.

I guess people who do have love in their lives don't understand what it feels like to be completely lonely and deprived of love. But if it's supposed to make me feel better, it doesn't work. And if it's supposed to bring me to God, it doesn't work.

I don't know what "being loved", by anyone, is supposed to feel like. But I seriously doubt it's supposed to feel like, well, this.

-void