I am so upset right now. I had a fight with my friend. I am sick of people telling me who I am and what I feel, and then patronizing and insulting me when I try to explain who I really am and what I really feel, and why.
The fight was, of course, about the usual: faith. Yes, I am suffering. And yes, I don't believe. And yes, I have heard more times than I can count, how faith helps to ease people's suffering, and pain. I have heard.
Yet, faith, so far, makes no sense to me. I know he is talking from his own experiences, after having found such faith, and for him, it helps. However, that is not a sales pitch. It does not make faith make any more sense to me, than it already does (not).
He thinks it's a choice. That I have a choice, whether or not to "accept God". That is not a choice. I simply can't believe in things I can't understand. I can't force myself to believe in something that makes no sense to me, whether I want to or not.
Then, he blames my supposed "hard heart", as if I don't want to believe. As if I am deliberately keeping myself from opening my heart to God. That is so wrong. Let me tell you, if what he says is the truth, if there is a God, and he is everything his followers say he is, then I would be the first one to admit how wrong I was and repent. Others may prefer to live a lie, as he claims, but I am not one of them. If he hadn't noticed, I have never, ever, claimed that my faith, or lack thereof, is right, or the truth.
And for all of the above misconceptions, he then accuses me of wanting things to be this way. He claims I prefer to be miserable, rather than open myself to God, and all the magical pink unicorns that faith brings.
I do not prefer to suffer! I do not prefer to be miserable! I do not prefer this unimaginable pain! Where do people come off with such accusations? Who in their right mind, would prefer this, if they had a much better, happier option? If they had a choice?
But that is the point. Like I said, it is not my "choice". As long as faith makes no sense to me, there is no way I can believe. It's not that I don't want to. But I can never truly believe something, whose attributes, explanations, and so-called "rationalization" brings me nothing but doubt.
Just for clarification - I would, most definitely, like to know the truth. The one, only truth. Whatever this truth may be.
Then, to top it off, my friend goes out and announces, in a mocking tone, that I choose to be in pain because "oh, I am so miserable, someone touched me inappropriately when I was a kid, poor me!"
I was literally, screaming at the top of my lungs after this idiotic, insulting statement. I have told him, hundreds of times, that the molestation in the past has nothing to do with anything! It has nothing to do with the way I feel, or behave, or what have you! This is exactly why I hate telling people about having been abused and molested.
And the most disturbing thing is, that he knows exactly what I am going through right now. He knows I am dying, and he knows I am out of options. He doesn't know I am trying to have a "fundraiser" on the internet, asking strangers for help, but it doesn't matter anyway. I have no illusions. This little "internet fundraiser" thing is never going to work.
I was screaming at him. I was screaming to hard, telling him to shut the heck up already about this molestation issue! It does not affect me! It does not affect the way I feel, or anything!
"Sure it does", he responded in a patronizing, mocking tone. "That's why you're so upset and screaming right now!"
That was beyond infuriating. Some people are so stuck in their ways, with their heads against the wall, and you just can't explain them anything rationally without them twisting it out of context and out of proportion, and then turning it back on you as an opposite argument in their favor, which makes the least sense of all.
That is not why I'm angry. That is not why I'm upset. It's not the molestation issue that had set me off. It's what he had decided to make of it, and his utter disregard for the truth.
"No, it does not affect me at all! Not anymore," I replied. "The only thing it affects, is your judgment."
Yes, I had been molested several times. Deal with it. I just wish, that people would let it go already! Because I certainly have.
Then again, his argument about "hard heart", and the supposed "choice" of whether or not to believe the "truth"? Look who's talking. Now, when I speak about the past molestations, and my feelings about it, and the effects, or rather lack thereof, of this on me, I speak from experience. I speak the truth. And I know it is the truth, because I am the one living it, every moment.
Yet, he has a choice, of whether to believe what he had made up his mind I should be like, what he had made up his mind should be a collective stereotype of molestation victims... or the truth. But, he hardens his heart, afraid to let the truth in. When he rationalizes his faith, and tries to explain it to me, I listen. I ask a lot of questions, because I try to understand, not to dispute him. But when I try to explain myself to him, he never listens. He shoots me down, and fills the void with his own unsubstantiated theories. He would "rather believe a lie", which he so often accuses me of. He "rejects the truth", which he so often accuses me of.
So I am upset.