Think positive

I am not a happy person. In fact, I am very bitter, cynical. I am in constant pain, and constant despair. I am miserable. I have one friend who patronizes me, no family, and I am at a point where my only options are:

1. Wait helplessly for my death
2. Ask strangers on the internet for help, that obviously will not come, and basically end up at option #1
3. Jump off the roof and spare myself further pain and misery, as without help things are only going to get worse.

So no, I am definitely not a happy person.

I can't be happy, when I'm stuck in this situation, powerless to do anything, when a miracle is just outside my reach. I can't be happy, when I try, and try, and give it all I've got, and sacrifice everything, and fail, and end up at square one, or rather, square zero, with nowhere to go. I can't be happy, when my so-called friends think they know better than me what I really need, and think the "magic cure" for my woes is simply, "positive thinking".

Spare me the pseudo-self help crap.

You know what works better than telling me to "be positive", and then treating me like a piece of scum because they dislike "negativity"? People who actually stick around when a friend is in pain and need. Hello?

I suppose this is something that is really difficult for people who have caught so many breaks in life to understand. Unlike them, I haven't caught any breaks in life. I escaped one terrible situation, and landed in another. Every opportunity I ever had, or should have had, was either taken away from me, or I have sacrificed in order to try to fix my situation, and have failed miserably. I have no family, no one, and I am a loser and a failure. I have been hurt too many times, and have lost my ability to trust anyone. For me to trust in "positive" would be completely irrational, as there is nothing "positive" in my life.

You want me to think positive? Then give me something positive to hang on to. Because I have none. But people who call themselves my friends, treating me like garbage because I'm suffering? Totally defeating the purpose. It only serves to reinforce my insecurities, my inability to trust, and my pain. Don't you get it? This is why I can't be "positive". Because I am proven over and over again, that I have nothing to be positive about.

And the fact that my reality is grim, and I am fully aware of it, and know what to expect, does not make me a negative person, contrary to popular belief among my happy-happy-joy-joy-new-age-zen-with-rainbows-and-unicorns so-called friends. Unfortunately, I am merely being realistic.

-void