Mother's Day

I hate this day. It is so painful for me, it breaks my heart. Any holiday, really. It makes me wish I could shut myself out from the whole world, so I wouldn't hear everyone wishing their mothers "Happy Mother's Day". I wish it would have just passed and gone without me knowing it was Mother's Day. But it is impossible to ignore. Part of it, I guess, is because of how commercialized it has become. Anyway, some blissful ignorance on my part would have been handy today.

I feel like the most horrible person in the world, for not partaking in this holiday. On other holidays, I feel horrible because I have no family to celebrate it with. But Mother's Day, and Father's Day for that matter, is not about my own celebration, it's about someone else's. Someone I don't celebrate. Someone who has hurt me.

I don't love my mother. I don't even know how to love. But I feel horrible, because I'm a bleeding heart. Because I care, about everyone and everything, even fictional things I read in a book. Even people I hate. I hurt for everyone who's hurting, and I hurt for everyone who isn't hurting, and when I get the slightest feeling that I might be hurting someone, I hurt even more. Maybe it's because pain is the only thing I know how to feel. I don't even know how my mother is feeling. I doubt she even cares, that I haven't wished her a happy Mother's Day. We haven't spoken in years.

And I have to keep reminding myself, that not all mothers were created equal. Not all mothers deserve to be celebrated. Being a mother is more than just giving birth to a child. It's more than providing them with material things like food, clothes, and a roof over their head.

I don't love my mother. I don't even like her. I certainly don't miss her. I don't feel any kind of connection to her. But I still hurt for her... even though she doesn't. I don't even think about her, except on this day, when the whole world pushes this on me. And the entire concept of Mother's Day, and all the people around me wishing their mothers a happy Mother's Day... it pains me. It makes me wish I had someone to wish a happy Mother's Day to. Someone to celebrate.

I wish a happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, who at least try to do a decent job at it.

-void