Too much

I used to frequent an online community, where I had met a lot of great people. I live in a place where people exploit me and treat me badly for being "different", and I have no family and only one friend, who spends most of our time together putting me down because I don't share his faith. The internet is, sadly, my only way to really talk to people. My only outlet for things I have to say.

But I don't visit that site anymore.

There was a thread, where people would vent about things that bothered them, angered them, anything they wanted to complain about. I would post there a lot. I have a lot to complain about, and sadly, there is nothing else I can do about it but complain. So I'd go there to vent about my problems. My health, my job, my parents, my so-called friends... my entire existence.

And at first, they would try to give advice. Maybe you should try this. Maybe you should try that. I had explained them, what I had tried and what I couldn't try because of lack of means, etc. I do try. All the time, with all I've got. But I always fail. I have no one to help me, and I fail. So I vent, because it's the only thing left for me to do.

I had noticed they were starting to ignore my posts, which was fine. I didn't go there for attention. I just wanted to get things out of my system, and I had no outlet to do so in real life.

Others would complain too, about things big and small, from relatives passing away, to someone stealing their parking spots, etc. No one has ever stopped supporting and/or consoling them. I did notice. But as I said, I was only venting. So I didn't care.

Until one day, someone I used to enjoy talking to there replied to my post. A harsh reply. In case I hadn't noticed, she said, people had been ignoring my posts for quite some time. They were sick of reading about my problems, because such big problems were too much for others to worry about, and they didn't need that kind of stress that caring about me would cause. She then went on to tell me that instead of complaining, I should get off my ass and do something, reciting past useless suggestions and advice that I had explained them several times, had failed time and time again, or were out of reach for me.

I am sick of this. I am sick of always being judged by the results, or rather, lack thereof, instead of by my efforts. My constant, unyielding efforts. And it just makes me want to pull what's left of my hair out. Are they senile, or just really stupid?! How many times have I explained them that, yes, I have tried! Yes, I have done anything and everything within my means, and I have failed! And the fact that I complain, does not mean I have given up!

And to top it off with "your problems are just too much for us to care about"? Nobody asked you to care. I was perfectly fine being ignored. And yes, I did notice, because I am not as oblivious as people tend to think I am. I vent, because that's all I have left to do, and because that's what the thread is there for, for people to vent about their problems. Nobody's life is perfect, and everyone has something to complain about. I am truly sorry you find it too hard to care about anyone whose problems are bigger than someone's favorite TV character sleeping with a character said poster does not approve of.

So don't care. Ignore me. Send each other private messages about me behind my back, about what a lazy, dumb, whiny person I am. I don't care. But when you talk to me, get your facts straight before you start throwing accusations and criticism. I don't mind being criticized, as long as I deserve it. But "you have the wrong problems and we know what you're doing and/or not doing about it better than you" is not criticism. It's an insult.

I really used to enjoy posting there, and talking to the great people. I stopped.

I know it's important to many people to be a "caring" person. To be considered a "caring" person by themselves and by others around them. Some sort of "validation". I guess telling themselves they care makes them feel like better people. They want to care. But sometimes they just don't. Sometimes someone like me comes along, someone who's so unlucky with more and much bigger problems than the average person, and a situation that never improves and only gets worse.

And sometimes, when it's too hard to care, or even pretend to care, they convince themselves that they still are the good, caring person they want to be. The other person, or situation - they are the ones not worthy of their care. Their problems are too heavy, their circumstances are too grim, their lives are too depressing. That way, when the blame is on the other person, they still get to be the good, caring person. They still get to feel better about themselves. Validated.

I have never claimed to be worthy of anyone's care. I have never asked anyone to care. And I appreciate honesty. If you don't care, then just don't. But your feelings and reactions are your own. If they don't measure up to your own standards, it means you have to either put greater efforts into becoming the person you want to be, or look in the mirror and adjust your self image accordingly. Don't lay the blame for not caring on me and my situation. I'm just a person with problems, like everyone else.

Yes, I know. I should have said it to those people in the message board, instead of ranting about it here. But I am too shy, submissive, and non-confrontational, and it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

-void